Third Eye

I’d rubbed my wrist so nervously that I’d breached the skin. The barrier keeping the “me” separate from the outside world. Wisps of darkness were seeping out. Bubbles crept out and up to join the sky, ushering back the night. It was like a story begging to get out. An unsung poem. It was an ode to destruction that I’d struggled to keep inside for so long. A knot of lies and deception unravelling. A beat from the depths of tartarus escaping. Badum. Badum.

I blinked… and in that space I only saw a raw sliver of whatever sits under the first layer of skin. But I could still feel the darkness hiding in my peripheral vision. Narrowing my mind. Seeking to hide the escape routes. Letting me rot. The doubt festering. The irresistable feeling of falling.

 

Puppet

You thought you would try a new thing.
Puppet master.
You took some basic materials,
Thread, cheap wood and a tin heart.
It was all you could afford.

You fashioned a puppet,
From what you saw in the streets,
In magazines,
The puppet became another reflection
Of the outside world.
Like so many others before it.

As you played with the strings
A wind stirred up from inside.
A new force started appearing,
Moving the puppet when you were away,
Trying to halt
Some of your actions.

You watched your puppet grow,
Never giving it “too much” freedom.
After all you had created it.
It belonged to you.

Rust started to form
On its tin heart,
The wood started to creak.
You had not built it to last.
You did not know how to.
You did not even see
It was falling apart.

Master I wanted to make you smile,
I only felt alive when I saw joy spreading out.
Tell me master
Why is there so much pain?
Why is it the easiest thing
For me to feel?
Master, am I dying?
Is this what death feels like?

I am afraid,
My body aches,
My heart is in pieces,
I do not know how to fix it,
You never left me the tools,
You have become cold,
I struggle to find warmth

I realise now how alone I am.

My strings are falling loose.
I am falling.
I wish I could go back into the forest,
To be a tree again.
You and so many others
Would not have it.
I see your tears in my dreams.

I move so that you will not cry.
I seldom see you laugh
Like you once did.
I have failed you master…

 

Have another one

A burning feeling in my throat,
The flames reaching up
Licking the sides of my head
Until everything gets blurry.

Falling,
Trying to catch the fading notes
Of a fleeting symphony.

It’s beautiful,
For a moment.

The heat numbs the pain and
Clouds my mind in a different way,
Like blue skies seen
From under the sea

 

Gravity

You were beautiful and broken
And I wanted to help fix you

You came at me like a meteorite
Blinding me

I watched you move away from me
With blood on your hands

I watched the hole in my chest bleed
Not knowing how to fix it

But I couldn’t completely get away
From the attraction

Now I can’t help myself from orbiting around
you
Just far enough to be alone

Untouched
Unreacheable

Close enough for small pieces of me
To fall into you

Helping you not collapse
While I become more hollow

I’m scared one day you’ll fall into me
And I’ll swallow you whole

So I keep you
Just a little bit further

 

Stasis

The world spinning like a hurricane
It’s quiet in the centre

I can feel its destruction all around

I’d like to get to the other side
…to get to you

I know the world will tear me apart
Before I even get to
Touch your skin

Before I get to tell you…

The storm whisks my unsure words away

It is a cacophony
Of deafening silence
Where anything meaningful
Will be lost forever

Do not speak

Else you lose the thing
You wished
To grasp

Today is not the day
Not the week
Not the time

When this is all over
Headless bodies will run accross
The ruins of the old world
Knowing the farther they get
The more havoc they wreak

And they would do it all for a shred of light
A piece of hope
A touch of skin

Before we are all plunged
Into the darkness
Again

 

Looking for air

Before the plan had finished being formulated in my mind I’d taken my headphones and a bag, I was reaching for a mask when my mother asked where I was going. I jumped, and said “to the shops”, it wasn’t a lie, so far that was all I’d planned.
I left and I knew it wasn’t supposed to be warm but my body was burning and the outside air was barely helping.
At the shops I looked at the beer, wondering if I wouldn’t be better drunk. I decided against it as I already felt like I’d drunk two bottles, I looked without seeing. I could feel, far away, a certain anger and irritation. I took a can of cherry coke, that I’d asked my Mum to buy but, like most other things I said, it had been discarded. I supposed I deserved it.


I passed my street and kept going into the forest. I sat at a bench, lulled by my music. I drank my can, it had a bitter taste, it felt metallic, like warm blood. I wished I could spend my life outside. I missed the mountains and the fresh air. I was tired of spending my days wasting away inside. I was losing touch with reality. And I didn’t know what to do about it. The only thing that could anchor me at all was music. My friends were so far away and uncommunicative. I didn’t blame them, I was no better.


I let the music take over my mind. I started to walk home.


I stopped on a dead tree. I read messages from a conversation people were having without me. I felt like an outsider watching the world go by.


I don’t know where this is going but I’m afraid I can’t stop it. There’s nothing left to do but go home anyway.




I’ll get up in a minute.

 

Haunted

I’m back home,
Where the walls are painted,
The heating works,
And nothing smells of cigarettes.

Yet despite all that
I wish I was still in that old, cold house,
Wrapped up in your arms
With your hand going through my hair.

I’d felt warmth in my heart
That no amount of freezing tiles
Could ever put out.

 

Unreal

Today everything was more… well, I don’t know how to describe it, it was just… more.

I got out of bed and I couldn’t see a thing. I felt my way to the wall and fished the right clothes out of the small pile that’s been building up. I could almost feel the heavy wet fabric and the water streaming down from my dry clothes, and hear the waves from an ocean too far away. Almost, because if I really had felt any of those things that would be crazy right?

I walked out of my apartment, trying to turn on my headphones and connect them to my phone. I’ve taken the habit of never going out alone without music or something to watch. So I put on some music and walked out. The Sun blinded me and I squinted my way to the metro, the slight cold wind blowing away the colours and lines around me so that everything was grey.  Then the metro, as it came I could hear its howl even through my sound barrier. It was like a banshee, I could almost see it accompanying the metro as it rattled towards me, crying out at all those who would jump before it, weeping for those who died long ago and whose shells, locked in motion, carry out meaningless actions: go to work, work, go home. Thinking of those who lie dormant in their shells, run by an autopilot, ready to wake up once they have enough of what they need to start living. I sat down and watched the world go by.

Once at work in front of my screen the words danced and made no sense, I got up to clear my head and I could feel the floor calling to me, waiting for me to slip up, pulling me down like a magnet. I could feel a faint buzzing in my head, as if I were a computer overheating and the fans couldn’t keep up. I sat back down and closed my eyes. I felt I was at the bottom of the ocean, below even the water, where all that was left was a deafening pressure. I opened my eyes and forced the light in front of me to make sense. I forced my hands to move to get the job done. I promised them we would rest when we got home. As if I had anything else to do there.

I came outside and it was raining a little. I could see the water crawl up out of the gutters, creating rivers, growing to engulf the cigarette stumps on the road, making the cars look like boats and suddenly the whole city was underwater. People were swimming away on their usual paths, oblivious to the transformation. I swam to the metro and took the train home. I was one minute away from my door when I realised I had no idea what had happened since I’d entered the metro and I had no recollection of getting out of it.

And just like that I was home. I sat on my bed and fell through the mattress, discovering the world of darkness where I spent so much time alone. And I waited for time to stop. 

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

I found this old note and decided to finish it. It was originally called “Spilt” though I can’t remember why

 

Sea

Branches with silver leaves

Swaying gently in the breeze
Behind it a blue morning sky, 
Announcing the day to come.
The smell of the sea stings a little, 
The sounds of waves crashing in the distance
Remind you of where you are.

And you hear something new,
A guitar, not far,
Voices singing with that morning dissonance,
Inviting heads to turn,
People to come out of tents,
Other morning voices to join.

For a moment,
Despite how
Tired,
Sunburned,
Mosquito-bitten,
Or dirty
You might feel,
It feels like you’ve found a patch of heaven on earth
In this moment everything is fine.
You start humming along to the song,
Slowly getting up from the place you slept,
And you feel like you’ve been here all your life.
You know these strangers by name,
Somehow in the night they became family,
Uncomplicated and open,
And you’re finally home.

 

Trains

Heart beating hollow

Walking between the tracks,

One step too far sideways

Could mean the end,

Or it could lead to freedom,

 

At least until

The train comes.

If it comes.

There might be freedom ahead

But it seems too far,

Uncertain.

Fear keeps your feet

In between the lines,

And your heart dies

With every step you take

There.

 

Is it worth it?