RSS

Passing Moments

She used to draw and paint and her desk had… suffered. It was Tina’s desk. She’d spent a lot of time there, it was her way of escaping when the thoughts were too much. She could stay hours, the worthy art went on the walls.

Since we started living together I learned a lot about my best friend. Thinking she was always happy I discovered that she could also be incredibly sad, and it would just happen. When she wasn’t alone it wasn’t so bad but she didn’t like to bother people. She’d downgrade herself and it was hard for her to believe anyone liked her, making it harder to call for help. There were times when I’d come home to find her curled up in bed trembling and it broke my heart. I’d hold her tight and tell her I loved her, and it was true. I loved her completely platonically but I loved her more than anything. And I knew she loved me too.
One night she took my hand and had that wild look she got sometimes, saying “Let’s escape”. Last time we’d taken a late train away from Paris, and spent the night watching the stars. Space was something that fascinated us both. This look wasn’t playful though, she was hurt. Nightly excursions weren’t new, her favourite place to go was St. Michel. Sometimes we’d go wandering the cobbled streets with the souvenirs, crêpes, musicians; this time we sat along the Seine. She looked at me hesitantly, then kissed me on the lips, which was an odd thing for her to do in this state. The wild look dissipated as she leaned into the wall. “I love you. Never forget that.” She’d said. I knew what she’d meant but I was afraid of why she was saying it. She started shaking. “What’s wrong with me?” I held her and told her it was ok, that I was there for her. “Everyone else is gone” She whispered. I told her it wasn’t her fault, I knew she knew it, but it still hurt. “No-one’ll ever love me.”
“That’s not true,” I told her “I love you, and the others still love you.” I cited the short list of names of the people who were closest to her. “And I’m sure one day you’ll find the right person and you’ll both fall in love.”
I didn’t know if it was helping. I knew she was torturing herself and she knew it was hurting me. I didn’t mind, even the best people have bad moments. “I don’t deserve you.” She’d regretted that as soon as she’d said it. I shook her and looked her in the eye, “You deserve better than me Tina, but you at least deserve me. You have to know that.” She let herself be pulled back into my arms and kept saying “I’m sorry.” She was sorry for having said that, she was sorry about how she felt, she was sorry to be such a bother. I held her until she calmed down.
The following day we argued a lot, she wanted to get help so I told her to see a psychologist, she wanted to be locked up where she could stop hurting people until she got better. I was afraid that would just make it worse and I said I’d rather she be home than there alone.
When she left I was mainly angry at myself for not having been able to do more. I missed her and it hurt to know her there, she needed to be near her friends, I was scared for her. I looked through her desk drawers wondering what I’d missed. There was a sketch of one person being held protectively against another. It wasn’t much more than shapes but there was a message:
“If you ever read this I want you to know that you’re the biggest reason I haven’t gone mad. I just wanted to say thank you. But you probably won’t see this. I just wanted you to know.”
I put it away gently, not wanting it to get wet from my tears. I didn’t know what to do. I guess I finally felt some of the sadness she’d felt. I lay on the bed for ages. Maybe I’d gotten too attached to her, but I wasn’t apologising for that.
Tina’s desk is gone now. I wasn’t in love, but I did love her and I hope she’s okay.
Je t’aime, l’oublies pas…

…………………………………………….heyimbackdidyoumissme?……………………………………………………………………………………….

Hey so it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything or even been on wordpress but seeing as I’m supposed to have a little more time now I’m doing my internship I wanted to get back into this. I messed this up so it’s late so I don’t think many people will see this… I’ll try harder next week.

When I first wrote this it had twice as many words, unfortunately I’m only allowed 750 T_T so this may seem a little short, I don’t know.

Writing is a game I suppose, the art of hiding things in plain sight… what part of that was true? What of it was me? Maybe some of you have an idea of who I am… but can you ever really know? (Is this a trick question meaning this post was completely fiction?)

Nate I was shocked to realise that although I’m an IT student I still don’t know exactly how the internet works but I will get back to you on that😉

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on 25 August 2016 in Banzaï, Speakeasy

 

I live in my head

Sometimes I want to jump off a building
To see if I could fly,
Sometimes I want to run into a wall
To see which of us breaks first,
Sometimes I want to stab myself
To see if I still bleed,
Sometimes I want to stop feeling
To make it the thinking stop.

Sometimes I want to run away
Just to see how far I’d go,
Sometimes I want to lock myself out
And throw away the key,
Explore underground tunnels
Walking on train tracks,
Walk barefoot on the streets,
Stand in a t-shirt under a storm
And scream out loud
Until it all
Stops.

Make it stop.
All the voices in my head.
They’re too loud.
They ask the same questions over and over
And I don’t have the answers.
Make them leave me alone.

The people who could push the voices away
They’re not here right now.
So I’ll put my headphones on to drown out the noise.
And as long as there’s music
I’ll be ok
As long as they leave me alone

 
But you’re never completely alone…

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on 27 May 2016 in Banzaï

 

Tags:

Sadly Blue

I was hurt. I couldn’t not be, I kept thinking of the way she’d stared at me terrified before running away. I hadn’t thought she would run from me. I never thought she could look so afraid of me.

I stared at the half empty bottle of vodka, blue from the smurfs that had been put in it for a small party a few days ago. I almost considered swapping it with the small Nutella pot in my hands.

“So that’s how it starts” I thought. I was always understanding new things about people, whether it be a general “people” or one person in particular. But whenever it mattered most I was left clueless about what to do and it was so frustrating.

And I had no reason to feel bad, it was just a mix of empathy and hurt. I shouldn’t have been the one that was hurt and I hated myself for feeling that way, but without speaking she had made me turn around and cry. Hurting her was the last thing I ever wanted to do, and yet it’s what I did. Without meaning it I had hurt the person who meant the most to me. And I had no right to be hurt.

The blobby smurf remains were beckoning… “Don’t you want to know how blue we taste?” They said. As for the rest… I can’t remember.

 
1 Comment

Posted by on 25 April 2016 in Banzaï

 

The Things that Happen in Caves

Part 13 of Epic Co-written Story

“Welcome, to my humble abode.”

Each word was weighed and took its own space, each buying a little more time for the elf with the sharp eyes to look around and analyse every detail he could. Lifting his goggles cautiously and assuming a discretely defensive stance, his actions contradicted his words. Angel thought that they might not be as welcome as his words suggested. This was confirmed when she saw the telltale glow of magic around his fingertips, it was almost imperceptible but before she could react to it Marissa stepped forward

“Who are you?” She demanded.

He redirected his piercing stare towards her, at the way she stood, the way she looked at him, the way she spoke and the way she was dressed. It didn’t take him long to answer.

“I’m going to call you Princess.” He declared with a spark of sarcasm, or was it playfulness? Likely a bit of both. A smile tugged at his lips when he saw Angel about to speak. He didn’t give her the chance.

“And I’ll call you Queen.” He continued in a mockingly respectful tone. “And to continue the family you,” he was now looking at Arthur, “can be Prince.”

He looked quite satisfied with himself and no-one knew how to react.

So he went on: “But you’re no king,” was directed towards the blacksmith. Then he paused before turning to the last member of the party. “And you’re an orphan.” He finished more seriously, and more respectfully than for any of the others.

Everyone was shocked, the being in front of them had just discovered things about them that he should never have been able to know just by looking at them. Or so they thought, because you can find those things if you know how to look, and having an elf’s sensibility Sasha had even more reason to know how to look.

It was Harry’s turn to step forward, “so you’ve told us who we are but we still don’t know about you.” The veteran pile of muscle was imposing even without his armour. He still had his huge axe on his shoulder and daring as Sasha was he couldn’t help but take a small step back. He quickly won back the lost territory and said simply “I’m Sasha”. It was all they needed to know.

• • •

They were in a cave, a small fire was dying in the centre. Sasha had taken them through tunnels under the mountains and they were now behind enemy lines, he’d decided to come with them at least until they were past the mountains. They were hiding in a cave, sitting around a dying fire. Sasha was outside on lookout, Marissa was staring deep into the fire, Nikke was staring through the fire at Marissa. Her childhood friend had grown into a beautiful young woman even with the frown clouding her face at the moment. She wondered what else had changed and what had stayed the same. She felt fiercely protective of her old friend who knew nothing about the outside world and very little even about life outside the castle walls. Angel came to sit near her. “You love her?”

Nikke was so taken aback by the question that she didn’t know what to say, she just stared at the woman, horrified.

“I see the way you look at her, when you think no-one can see you. You should talk to her about it, or you’ll never know if she feels the same.”

Arthur had just come back from some training with Harry. Everything hurt. He was concentrating on not moving and he was looking at the girls around the fire, it was like they were in their own world and he wasn’t invited. They intimidated him, and Angel of course but that was normal, she intimidated everyone. There was something about Nikke and Em, like a secret world they shared and the world revolved around them at times without them even knowing it. And the way the looked at him disarmed him completely, he had always been used to being ignored, eventually glanced at, told stories at most. The men at the tavern never thought twice about him, he was the guy at the bar. When Em looked at him she looked hard, watching every detail with scrutiny, trying to find out who he was. And Nikke was even worse because her curiosity didn’t stop there; when Nikke looked at him it was as if she were drawing him on a blank sheet, discovering bit by bit and he had no control over what she saw. She wanted to know about his family, his ambitions and dreams, how stupid he looked when he fought or how close she could get before he noticed her in front of him (close enough to hug as she said but then she’d have a funny look and he knew she wasn’t thinking about how easily people could hug him). She was friendly most of the time, but she was also concerned and sometimes she’d be incomprehensibly distant.

Nikke was troubled. She had no idea what she felt. She was troubled by Angel’s words, yes she loved her friend, as much as you can love a friend, but that didn’t seem to be what she was saying. She had suspected that maybe she was different, a freak of nature because boys only love girls and girls only love boys and that was the way life was. She never thought anyone could even suggest anything different, yet that’s what Angel had just done, and because of that she had to reconsider everything from the beginning. There was great turmoil in her spirit but she let none of it show. She only stared intensely into the fire until it slowly died and became glowing embers.

………………………………………………………………………………..

The plot thickens… sorry for making this harder and harder for you DragonSpark it was just too tempting, you always find something to do with the tricky situations I give you… so now I’m stepping this up a notch and I’m impatient to see what you have in store for me😉

I’m sure you’ll find me another impossible situation :p

 
4 Comments

Posted by on 18 April 2016 in Banzaï, Epic Co-written Story

 

March Snow

March snow
Is like and intangible soft coldness
Coming from the white sky
That’s falling apart
In a million white pieces.
Each snowflake is a small cold you can barely feel,
A small happiness
Of childhood memories and you tell everyone
“It’s snowing!”
It’s snowing
In March.

March snow
Is the unexpected happiness
Of finding something you thought you’d lost
And the bittersweet hope
That it stays, just for a while
So that Paris can be white,
Innocent just for a day
All troubles
Wiped away
It’s snowing
In Paris
In March.

You are like March snow.
A beautiful happiness
With a tiny coldness,
The bittersweet hope.
And I hope
You never
Go.

It’s snowing
In March,
March snow.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on 9 March 2016 in Banzaï

 

Tags:

(un)welcomed guests?

Angel’s dagger was lodged into a strange contraption of Elvin origin that had just tried to maul a pale and panicked Marisa. She pulled her blade out of its target and took a second to examine her surroundings. The small tunnel in the cave had emerged into a small home. The furniture, like the strange trap they had just disabled, was built with Elf technology; the intricate mechanical movement of some pieces of furniture gave that much away. Behind her, the others were emerging from the tunnel, first Nikke, then Arthur, and last of all Harry, dragging a bag full of armour and supplies he had yet to distribute. Marisa was crawling out from under the table where she had instinctively hid when the trap was triggered. Angel sighed, sliding her blade back into its scabbard. The rumbling sound of battle rattled the walls. A massive army complete with a supporting fleet of airship and artillery was attempting the incredible feat of invading the city by the mountains. Meanwhile the city was protecting its walls with an equally impressive military apparatus.

 

Angel quickly stepped to a window overlooking most of the battle. Flaming airships belonging to both sides were slowly sinking to the ground, fire spreading amidst their hull. Flashes of light indicated wizards and riflemen had begun exchanging fire with one another. Angel walked from one window to the next, making sure no imminent threat was about to discover the location of her party. The house was within range of a group of riflemen, but they seemed notably indifferent of the little home, although it would offer them better cover than the rock they were currently hiding behind.

 

They gathered in the house’s biggest room. Harry spilled his supplies in the middle of the room, hoping to finally equip his young comrades. Arthur picked up a light chain mail and broiled leather armour and a medium sized, thin blade, curved at the end.

 

“What’s up with this blade? I’ve never seen anything like it.”

“It’s called a Katana. It’s commonly found in the castles of the eastern princes.”

 

Arthur swung the elegant blade in through the air, testing it, then grabbing the circular grip with both hands and staring down an imaginary enemy. Meanwhile Marisa walked up to the pile of weapons and picked a set of knives which she stored in scabbards spread throughout her body. Essentially where she could squeeze a belt, she put a knife in it. It left her with little armour, but, when questioned, she simply answered “Why protect myself against blows that won’t reach me anyway?” She completed her equipment by grabbing a leather quiver, wooden bow, and several arrows. Marisa tried as best she could to reconstruct her regal equipment. The armour she found was too big, so Angel and Harry combined their knowledge and magical abilities to re-forge the metal then and there to fit the small princess. “It’s provisional” assured Angel as she fit the patchy breastplate on the little girl. Sighing, Marisa picked out a rapier from the pile, missing the beauty and elegance of her own weapon. Angel stepped away from her lookout role by the window and picked the largest piece of armour and again set to re-forging it. Having re-forged many men’s armour to fit her own size, she was used to the process, and did a much better job than she had done for Marisa. She donned the armour and grabbed a rather large straight bladed double edged sword from the pile, seemingly at random. Her stare never left the windows.  As Harry was donning his usual, enormous piece of armour, a loud thud rang on the roof of the house. Loud mechanical noises were heard, and Angela shielded her eyes as the group of riflemen was apparently vaporised by some kind of magic.

 

After a few seconds of tense silence, the door of the hut opened calmly, letting a slender elf, equipped in battle armour and all, stroll into the house, closing the door behind him. He turned to the makeshift party and outstretched his arms.

 

“Welcome, honourable guests!”

…………….rusty….dots…..ITSBEENA//LONG…TIME::…………..

Hello internet. Forgive my rusty bones. Its been a while since I have written anything. Hope this addition to the co op story is a satisfactory one. Your turn Banzai.

 
 

Tags:

Don’t be alone at night

Something happened tonight. It wasn’t much, but it was something I hope never happens again. Something that should never happen. But it does. More than some people would like to admit. And unfortunately, too few people care to react (in my city anyway).

It was as if my entire body had gone silent. My ears heard but didn’t listen, my body was unusually still, and the whirlwind of thoughts in my mind had died and only a few thoughts were circling my mind like lost elephants.

I was waiting for the tram, luckily it came quite fast (at 11:35pm) and I sat in a corner and stared out of the window. I could feel a tear taking its time to trickle down my face.

Then I heard a man behind me, he was speaking loudly, making a lot of noise. It sounded like he was speaking to an audience that none of us could see. It felt as if the world shouldn’t be able to hear him. I was afraid that he might be talking to me. But then I was so wrapped up in my silent bubble that he couldn’t reach me. Then I realised he wasn’t talking to me, he was saying things like “Look at that female, keeping her territory, she’s on her phone, females often do that, going on their phones, it makes them feel safer…”. I started to listen, I didn’t like what he was saying but I wasn’t sure who he was talking to, or about, until I heard him say “get out, get out of the tram!” And at the next stop a girl came out, phone in hand, and he said “See, it works, because she knows she’s weak in the end.”. The I saw his window reflection get up and I saw him pass me and sit next to a girl, then try to look at what she was doing on her phone and I decided to stop looking out of the window and concentrate on what was happening in front of me. She tried to hide her phone from his view because he was bothering her and she turned her head and they made eye contact. I know that if you ever want to ignore someone, the last thing you should ever do is make eye contact because that means that they know you’ve noticed them. Then he started saying things like “Hey you’re really pretty…”, nothing really mean or insulting but I was afraid for her. He saw me staring at him and asked me if I knew her, I answered the truth without thinking (as I usually do which is both one of my best characteristics and rather inconvenient in a few cases): I shook my head, I didn’t know her. Then he asked if I was texting her her and I shook my head again. He said “Oh good, I’m reassured”, that sentence sent shivers down my back. One woman sitting not to far away stared at me disapprovingly (I think) but I didn’t know what I should’ve done. Maybe next time I should go towards the girl as if I know her to push him away? But with all the silence in me I didn’t even know if I would’ve been able to speak. If it went any further I would force myself to get up an try to help but at that point I didn’t know what to do.

The girl ended up getting up and leaving at the next stop (along with a bunch of people) and then the man sat down in the middle with no-one around him so I went back to my window. I always kept an eye on him though.

He must’ve known not to come to me then. He must’ve seen that at that point nothing could reach me. I would only stare out of my window. He may have tried to make eye contact, but I was fervently avoiding that so I don’t know. I wasn’t on my phone. I don’t need to stare at it to feel safe. Maybe that kept him away. I don’t know.

The tram was coming to the end of the line and he was still there so I made sure to come out a while behind him and I saw him cross over to the other side of where I was going. I was walking to the RER (a sort of train that tends to stay in and around Paris) station and I saw him turn around to check where I was going. He looked right at me. But I figured it should be ok, he was on the other side. Until I saw him crossing the street. Then I started walking faster, I cut a corner and ran down the few steps between the cut corner and the pavement and as I got closer to the station I figured if I went fast enough I might just lose him. I could hear him calling after me but I couldn’t hear what he was saying, I’m pretty sure he said something like “Hey … are you a policewoman?” (and I was surprised he thought I was old enough to be one). He said other things I didn’t catch. When I got into the station I saw that my train was coming 3 minutes later and I prayed that the strange man wouldn’t follow me. I had to get to the other side of the tracks and I ran down the stairs and across the corridor. The train was coming in two minutes. Then I saw a man. Just a normal man, going up the stairs. I was going to try the escalator when I saw the red light and he turned around to tell me it didn’t work. Then he said a little sport was nice, with a smile. He felt kind and I felt so relieved. I was no longer alone. Which made me much safer already. As we walked towards where the train would stop the train was marked “à l’approche” (coming), and as I turned around (still walking but backwards) I could see the train coming and there was no sign of the first man. The second man, the kind one, probably doesn’t feel like he did anything at all, but he really reassured me and it almost feels like he saved my life.

I stayed alert and without music the whole rest of the journey home but nothing else happened.

I don’t know if I reacted well, I don’t know how I should have reacted. I can only say what happened. I’m asking for help, you who are so good at becoming other people and understanding things in ways few people can, what should I have done? And if it ever happens again, what should I do? I hope it never does but seeing the time I come home it’s bound to happen again sooner or later.

 
12 Comments

Posted by on 15 December 2015 in lost things

 
 
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 48 other followers