Lost Either Way

16 Jul

I’ve been pulled into many situations against my will these past two years. I seem to have a knack for getting into trouble and then getting back out again but, standing with my hands flat on the table, partly hunched over it I know there’s no getting out of this one.

“I can’t.”

But that’s not enough, he needs an explanation. So he looks on trying to spook my thoughts out and onto the table. Or at least that’s what he looks like, I doubt he was really trying to do anything like that.

“This is suicide, there’s no way I’m getting out of this.”

“There are many ways you could get out”

“Then send someone else!”

“I can’t because no-one has your skill”

“Tryst could easily do it and get out”

“No she’s good at lying, we want you to tell the truth the way you know to and besides he already knows Tryst”

I mumble “she could do it”

“Would you really take that chance?”

He knows I would never put Angel in such danger myself even if he has done it countless times. And had he not known my fidgeting and hand wringing would’ve given it away. I’m a rather bad lier and I suppose that’s just as well because I hate to lie.

I let the table support me so that he won’t see me tremble; he can already see my indecision, he doesn’t need to see my weakness.

“I am not like you or your soldiers or spies or whatever you want to call them, I can’t get through this stuff easily, I can’t kill and it’s bad enough having to stun people with a gun they think will kill them-”

“Oh I’m sorry did you want a nice colourful one with a sign that says ‘don’t worry I can’t kill you anyway’?!”


“Then get ready for your mission. You can assemble a team to go with you if you want.”

“But if I fail they die too. So actually you’re just allowing me a team because you know I won’t take one with me.”

“I thought you knew better; even if they don’t go in with you you can have a team that follows you with comms and a tracker who could look up anything you need to know and tell you where to go. You could also have an extraction team in case you can’t get out.”

“That place is a fortress that’s why you didn’t want a big team to storm in in the first place! The extraction team wouldn’t get past the front door.”

“Then don’t have one.”

“I can’t do it”

“You have to.”

He left the room before I could answer. Angel would’ve given her life without hesitation, she would’ve followed her orders and she would’ve gotten out all alone with no team at all yet here I am trembling despite leaning on the table, tears slowly smashing against the glass surface. Knowing that I alone could do this. I’m not a soldier, even less a spy, I’m a coward. It’s kept me alive so far. Sure I’ve been through a lot but I’m still terrified of dying and afraid of being hurt, it’s human nature and unlike most people here I can’t suppress it. And when I’m that scared I can’t move which hardly makes for a difficult target. My skills (though not that developed) lie in hiding, waiting and persuasion. Angel taught me a little self defence too though I’m still useless against the people here (except for a few scientist that never go in the field but that doesn’t count).

The table is useless against my trembling now and I hate seeing the tears fall almost like rain splashing over my hands so I put my back against the wall and slide down it until I take up very little space and I cry silently but breath a little heavily.

I’m not a hero, I’m not strong, I’m not brave; I’m weak and cowardly, maybe my only redeeming quality is that I’m smart, and even then that’s not much compared to some people. I can’t face this. I can’t face this alone and yet anyone who comes with me dies and I can’t let that happen either. I’m a bad excuse for “the only one who can save us now” whoever said that was highly over exaggerating. Either that or the world was doomed from the start. I’m the flaw here. If anyone here had half what I had they’d put it to a better use when I would just cower in a corner wishing it all to be over but no, it’s people with strength and courage and a license to kill (that part I don’t envy) who could get in but not do what needs to be done and then there’s me, who could perhaps manage to make it work but I’d have practically no way in and definitely no way out. I have to sacrifice myself for the good of all and no matter how I see it or try to think of it I can’t bring myself to face it. These past two years I’ve been avoiding the truth but it’s hard to do that when it’s staring you in the face and this is one of the hardest of truths and I just can’t deal with it.

Will the world die? Or will I be able to sacrifice everything I have and then even my life, to make it go on a while longer? I wish I were a proud martyr. But I’m not.
I’m lost either way.



This kind of maybe follows another post (can you guess which one?)
Ok, being optimistic (hoping people actually read this that is) I’m guessing you either haven’t been here before or you forgot everything you read here already (which I don’t blame you for) so here it is: Pick A Side
Anyways I’m always glad to to get feedback, good or bad 😉

For those of you who did remember it (or who just read it) I know I said I wouldn’t be writing any more of this… I lied… I meant it at the time but now I’m not so sure… you may or may not see something related to the adventures of mysterious Tiger again, I don’t know, I guess we’ll all find out!

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Posted by on 16 July 2014 in Banzaï


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