Ok so I don’t usually like telling people it’s my birthday but (apart from DragonSpark and Kai) you have no way of knowing so I’ll make an exception.
Most of you won’t know this because I don’t like giving my age, I feel like if you know it then you won’t take me as seriously as you do, but I’m only just an adult. Seriously I’m 18 today! But then I suppose that’s only theoretical. I don’t suppose I’ll be an adult for a while yet…
I guess it feel weird, because 18 is such a big number that everyone waits for and idolises but when it comes it’s just like nothing happens. And I feel like shit because I’m not doing anything really special for my birthday and tonight I’ll go to bed and think “being 18 sucks”. Growing up sucks in a way I guess but it just feels like nothing happened, I celebrated yesterday with my family and today only a few people wished me a happy birthday and it doesn’t feel special enough.
But 18 is milestone and so I need to set things straight, in a way my childhood is gone and I have to look forward and ask myself: “What do I want to do with my life?”
I’ve given this more or less thought during the past years, who am I, what/who do I want to be? Who and what do I want to hold onto? These are questions that I think we should all think through at different moments in our life, take a step back and say, where am I? Is this where I wanted to be? Is it where I want to be now? What do I want to do? (whether this is to change the world or buy a new pair of shoes). Who is around me? Who do I want around me? Stay close to those you love and if you miss someone give them a call, send them a message and if you don’t know what to say, just “Hi” already says a lot.
This year I have to make some choices that might very well define the course of my life to a huge extent. I’m not quite sure of what I want to do, if only discovering the world were still a job! For lack of better choices I have decided that I would like to be an engineer in information technology and if that doesn’t work out I’ll do the same thing without the actual word “engineer” in the description because this year I’ve learned a little computer coding and programming and found out that it was really fun!
I also want to spend my first few years out of school (if I can) doing humanitarian work overseas, my experience with scouts this year and next year is a good preparation for that too because next year with my team of 6 amazing people we’re going to do a humanitarian project that we will have funded all year plus the leftover money from this year that we’ll be trying to save up. I’d like to do a lot of humanitarian work if I can.
Then people, because people are always important. I don’t have a lot of friends but that just means that the ones I do have tend to be closer to me. For the moment I have three best friends that I hope I will never lose: DragonSpark, Kai and Gollum and many others I hope to keep in contact with wherever I am (well “many”, that might mean like 10 for me).
Hobbies are also important so I hope I can always find the time and inspiration to keep writing and reading. Music in a way is also a big part of my life and I hope I get to keep playing or at least singing or just listening to it. For some reason my parents have always struggled to understand I love “doing absolutely nothing”. Not procrastinating but daydreaming or sometimes just keeping still and thinking of everything or nothing, I guess that’s meditation.
How do I see myself in the future? Well I can make many wild guesses of what I’d like to do or what might become of me but in the end, I just want to be happy and enjoy life, and if possible I want my life to mean something. So I’ll end with this: someone said that your life is not measured in years but in the number of lives you have touched; I want to touch many lives, through writing but also through action. Even the little things help, for example there’s a homeless guy who always sits at the same spot and I cross him every morning when I go to school, when I pass by he says something like “Bonne journée mademoiselle” and he smiles at me so I reply “Bonjour monsieur” with a smile and I think it brightens up both of our days for a while and it doesn’t cost a thing.
And now that I’ve done this, being 18 actually does mean something because I’ve redefined my life by thinking back on everything that’s happened so far and especially looking forward to who and what I want to be.
If you’ve read this far you can award yourselves the Smeagol Badge of Patience by the way because that was a very long monologue!
This is a rough sketch of how I saw myself two years ago (and I’ve already changed since). The finished painted one looked much better but I’m afraid it must’ve gotten eaten by a Monster Forgott in the art building…