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Alone

22 Jul

I’m fucking tired
It hurts…

“What hurts?”

Everything…

“Why?”

I don’t know
I wish I did
Maybe I could make it stop

“Maybe this is all your fault,
Maybe this is why they leave,
You’re too bothersome.
So you end up alone.”

Maybe
But I know I’m not alone
I need to keep fighting
My friends need my help
I can still be useful

“Why can’t your friends help you?”

They can
Sometimes
But right now they have problems of their own
So I have to deal with this on my own
It’s ok really

“‘Cause you know if you put yourself first they’ll leave.”

I wouldn’t blame them

“Your problems can only come after everyone else’s.”

Usually yes
But I’ve learned that sometimes I need to take care of myself too

“Not too much though,
You wouldn’t want anyone to think you weren’t worth less than them.”

That a tough thing to agree to
I feel like their needs come first
But I like helping people
And I believe some of my friends feel the same as I do
I’m lucky to have them

“Keep thinking that.
But in the meantime you’re all alone right now,
So how good can your friends really be?
How long before you give up on these ones?
How long before you start wanting to die again?”

Shut up
Why do you always do this
I don’t need you you know
I can do things on my own
I like you better when you’re just a quiet voice
When it’s easy to ignore you
Stop being like this

“So you admit that your friends can’t save you?”

No
I don’t
They can save me and I know that when it comes to that they’ll be there
But I need to be able to save myself
Without having to rely on others
Even if it’s harder that way

“What if you slip up?
What if the time to call out has been and left?
And you’re left alone with no will at all?
What good are your ‘friends’ then?”

It won’t come to that

“No you’re right,
You’ll just give in to the darkness
And concentrate on not moving
While it eats you up
And you can’t scream for fear of your neighbours hearing,
You can’t move for fear of doing something you’ll regret,
You can’t even fight back because all your energy will be long gone.
That’s how it always goes eventually.
And you’ll be all alone.”

So be it
It’s not that bad really
I’ve done it before
Eventually I just fall asleep
And usually after that it starts getting better

“Let me just ask you a question then:
What good are your friends if you can’t reach out to them?”

Sometimes I can
Sometimes I can’t
That’s life
I’m used to being alone so it’s ok

“You know the darkness is killing you.”

But I’ve gotten so much better at fighting it
It’s a lot better than it used to be
Now there’s so much more light

“Who are you trying to convince?”

No-one
I mean what I’m saying

“How long until there’s not enough of you left to hold on to?”

I’m getting better
I’m figuring myself out
I’m getting back to who I am

“Is it too little too late?”

I don’t know
I might need help
But I don’t know who to ask
There aren’t many people I can talk to about this
So many people won’t understand
I’ve tried
But I’m not good with words when it comes to this stuff
I try to talk in metaphors
About how I see all of this
The darkness
You
But I feel like the more I try to explain the less people understand
So I just end up saying I’m depressed
And they’ll either say: “no you’re not you were laughing earlier”
Or: “Oh, why?”
And I can’t answer either
Because at this points I can’t speak properly
Writing is easier
So it’s easier to talk by text
But it’s not the same
It’s not like someone was physically there

“No-one cares enough to actually come see you physically,
You should just give up now.”

No you don’t understand
I know that some people would
I just don’t want to waste their time
Because I know that they’re dealing with other things today

“Maybe,
But they’ll just have a different excuse tomorrow
And all the tomorrows after that,
They like the idea of being friends with you
But you’re not worth the trouble of actually being friends with,
It’s too time consuming,
You’re a downer.”

And what are you
If I’m a downer it’s only because you make me doubt
Every step of the way
Every moment you ask me if people really want to listen to me
Every second you tell me that I should just give up
You’re a curse

“You see those people who you call shallow?
Those who are so steady on their feet that they never question themselves
Even if those around insist that they’re doing something wrong?
Those you despite because they won’t understand the deeper meanings of poetry
Or why you feel the way you do all the time?
Those people who only care for themselves,
Whose friends are all just like-minded people who are only interested in themselves,
Who see right through you every day
Because other people aren’t worth knowing?”

What’s your point

“Don’t you think that without me you could have been like them?
Don’t you think that if I wasn’t there to question you
You would never think to question yourself?
I know how proud and stubborn you are,
Even if now you do your best to suppress those feelings.
You would have been just like those you despise,
And you would never have known better.”

It almost seems worth it
To never even think to question the relevance of my existance
To never wonder what it would be like if I wasn’t there
To never imagine dying
And wonder
If it was better than living
To not have these moments when all I want is to disappear
I’ve had to take so many years to just try and organise my thoughts inside my head
Just to be able to tell which voice was really mine
I’ve spent more than a whole year with your raging voice riging around my head
So much that I couldn’t concentrate on anything else
And I failed my year
Because of you
Because I didn’t know any better and things that I should have gotten over
Only kept hurting more
Because of you
You always made me question whether I was worth anyone’s time
Or friendship
Or anything
And I know now that you’ll always be a part of me
So please
Just be quiet
Just let me trust people
Just be a little less loud
Just let me live
And I promise
When I can properly be free
I’ll leave
And we can do whatever we want
So please
Just hold on
Just a little longer
I can’t fly very high right now
But help me get through these last years
And you’ll see
What we can be capable of
And then
We’ll be free

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