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Monthly Archives: October 2020

Haunted

I’m back home,
Where the walls are painted,
The heating works,
And nothing smells of cigarettes.

Yet despite all that
I wish I was still in that old, cold house,
Wrapped up in your arms
With your hand going through my hair.

I’d felt warmth in my heart
That no amount of freezing tiles
Could ever put out.

 
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Posted by on 17 October 2020 in Banzaï

 

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Unreal

Today everything was more… well, I don’t know how to describe it, it was just… more.

I got out of bed and I couldn’t see a thing. I felt my way to the wall and fished the right clothes out of the small pile that’s been building up. I could almost feel the heavy wet fabric and the water streaming down from my dry clothes, and hear the waves from an ocean too far away. Almost, because if I really had really felt any of those things that would be crazy right?

I walked out of my apartment, trying to turn on my headphones and connect them to my phone. I’ve taken the habit of never going out alone without music or something to watch. So I put on some music and walked out. The Sun blinded me and I squinted my way to the metro, the slight cold wind blowing away the colours and lines around me so that everything was grey.  Then the metro, as it came I could hear its howl even through my sound barrier. It was like a banshee, I could almost see it accompanying the metro as it rattled towards me, crying out at all those who would jump before it, weeping for those who died long ago and whose shells, locked in motion, carry out meaningless actions: go to work, work, go home. Thinking of those who lie dormant in their shells, run by an autopilot, ready to wake up once they have enough of what they need to start living. I sat down and watched the world go by.

Once at work in front of my screen the words danced and made no sense, I got up to clear my head and I could feel the floor calling to me, waiting for me to slip up, pulling me down like a magnet. I could feel a faint buzzing in my head, as if I were a computer overheating and the fans couldn’t keep up. I sat back down and closed my eyes. I felt I was at the bottom of the ocean, below even the water, where all that was left was a deafening pressure. I opened my eyes and forced the light in front of me to make sense. I forced my hands to move to get the job done. I promised them we would rest when we got home. As if I had anything else to do there.

I came outside and it was raining a little. I could see the water crawl up out of the gutters, creating rivers, growing to engulf the cigarette stumps on the road, making the cars look like boats and suddenly the whole city was underwater. People were swimming away on their usual paths, oblivious to the transformation. I swam to the metro and took the train home. I was one minute away from my door when I realised I had no idea what had happened since I’d entered the metro and I had no recollection of getting out of it.

And just like that I was home. I sat on my bed and fell through the mattress, discovering the world of darkness where I spent so much time alone. And I waited for time to stop. 

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I found this old note and decided to finish it. It was originally called “Spilt” though I can’t remember why

 
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Posted by on 15 October 2020 in Banzaï