I live in my head

Sometimes I want to jump off a building
To see if I could fly,
Sometimes I want to run into a wall
To see which of us breaks first,
Sometimes I want to stab myself
To see if I still bleed,
Sometimes I want to stop feeling
To make it the thinking stop.

Sometimes I want to run away
Just to see how far I’d go,
Sometimes I want to lock myself out
And throw away the key,
Explore underground tunnels
Walking on train tracks,
Walk barefoot on the streets,
Stand in a t-shirt under a storm
And scream out loud
Until it all
Stops.

Make it stop.
All the voices in my head.
They’re too loud.
They ask the same questions over and over
And I don’t have the answers.
Make them leave me alone.

The people who could push the voices away
They’re not here right now.
So I’ll put my headphones on to drown out the noise.
And as long as there’s music
I’ll be ok
As long as they leave me alone

 
But you’re never completely alone…

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March Snow

March snow
Is like and intangible soft coldness
Coming from the white sky
That’s falling apart
In a million white pieces.
Each snowflake is a small cold you can barely feel,
A small happiness
Of childhood memories and you tell everyone
“It’s snowing!”
It’s snowing
In March.

March snow
Is the unexpected happiness
Of finding something you thought you’d lost
And the bittersweet hope
That it stays, just for a while
So that Paris can be white,
Innocent just for a day
All troubles
Wiped away
It’s snowing
In Paris
In March.

You are like March snow.
A beautiful happiness
With a tiny coldness,
The bittersweet hope.
And I hope
You never
Go.

It’s snowing
In March,
March snow.

 

Suspension

My worlds stand above me on pillars,
And there are many pillars of varying size and strength,
But they don’t all support each other.

My oldest pillar
And arguably one of the strongest
Has been cracking
And weakening
And failing
And now,
It’s so close,
So close to falling

And bringing my worlds crashing down on me,

And I don’t know what will happen,

I don’t know if I’ll manage to strengthen other pillars fast enough

To soften the damage…

Right now

Time is holding its breath

And there reigns such a still silence

That no matter how loud you scream at me

It’ll stay unaffected,

And at my most vulnerable

I become invulnerable,

And all I can do now

Is wait,

And I’m waiting now,

Waiting

For the

Sonic boom…

 

My Love

I love her of a love that’s light
She comes and goes and then takes flight
I love her of a love that’s white
With nought to do with what you might
See on Hollywood TV.

I love her of a love that’s blue
That finds happiness in a puddle or two
I love her of a love that’s true
Much more than she ever knew
Or will probably ever know.

I love her of a love that’s green
Like plants that just like to look and be seen
I love her of a love not mean
I am a shoulder on which to lean
I never wanted more.

I love her of a love that’s yellow
Like a million daffodils in a meadow
I love her not like Romeo
Said that he loved Juliet
It’s not passion, never was, my love.

I love her of a love so orange
Of a thousand sunsets and more mornings
So many beautiful beginnings
And breathtaking endings
She’s always beautiful to me.

I love her of a love that’s red
Raw from things unsaid
Warm from the secrets spread
On the map of our friendship in our heads
Looking for treasure in each other.

I love her of a love so rare
I wrap it up in smiles with care
It’s a jewel only few will find
At the end of a friendship or the end of time
I’m not a lover, just a friend who loves.

You can love others
Get married, sail away
Live the life you choose
But if you ever need a friend
I will always be there for you.

Some things are easier left unsaid
This poem tries to show
The love I bear to my best friends
I’ll never let you go.

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Note: the poem says “her” for the sake of focusing on one entity but my best friends aren’t all girls (and can be counted on the fingers of one hand).

 

Differences

If I were green or blue
If I fell in love with you
If I thought not as you do
Would you still love me as you do?
Or would you treat me like some goo?
Because I’m not the same as you?

If I were asking you to choose
One or the other of your shoes
If you could just take me apart
Replace the thoughts inside my heart
If you could keep the bits you like
And throw away those that you don’t
Scream it all out from a mic
Because you think that you won’t
Mind if half of me is gone.
If all the fights that I have won
Disappear out in the blue
And I agree with all you do
If you rip me up in two
Keep all the nice of me for you
Then I would not be me
No I would not even be

If you think that you can silence me
On all those things we don’t agree on
Then it’s far worse than a tyranny
‘Cause I’d have nothing left to go on
If you take away my thought
If you take away my words
If you bring me back to nought
Forget those things that you have heard,

If you won’t listen
To what I have to say
Then who are you
To tell me
What I
have
To be?

……………………………………………………………..oldstoriesresurging…………………………………………

This poem dates from February 2014, that just goes to show how even my numerical stuff is in such a mess, I found this today and decided to share it before I forgot it even existed.

My last exam ever (for this school year anyway) is a history-geography oral tomorrow morning so I should really be working on that and I’ll be more active after that (until my camp that is).

On other news, yay for gay pride!

 

Mental Captivity

Locked up
Locked in
Locked out.
Checked upon
To see if I
Conform well.
I don’t.
But I’m terrified they’ll find out.
They.
They don’t know.
They can’t understand that I’m falling,
Desperately grabbing onto loose
Ends
Friends
Anything that will keep me sane
Because as soon as I admit,
Nothing can ever be the same.
And I’m terrified,
But my voice is too quiet
It doesn’t shout
Like everyone else’s.

They don’t know I’m falling
Because to them I’m standing still.

The sentinels come
And stare,
But they only see
What they want to see.
So they can’t see the truth.
And they can’t be told because they don’t understand.
They won’t, or they can’t?
I don’t know.
They don’t know
I’m falling
Because to them
I’m standing still.
Locked in
Locked out
Locked up.

 

Happy Colour

Yellow wellies
Trudging home
Side by side with imaginary
Red and blue ones,
The sky was dark
And the smell was of
Wet hair and disappointment
And new rubber.

Yellow bike
With only two wheels
And thick tires
And no balance at all,
The taste was metallic and red
And the smell was of
Exasperation
And new rubber.

Yellow pencils
New and sharp
With all the big girl stationery
That went with them,
Feeling all shiny
But the smell was of
Pencil dust and loneliness
And new rubber.

Yellow converses
Big school
No map to show
How to make friends,
Tasting the bitter held-back tears
And the smell was of
Concrete and shame
And new rubber.

Yellow motorbike
Recklessly fast
Caught in the silence
That was always too loud,
Sounding like crumbling waves
Under a ship
And the smell was of
Fire and silence
And new rubber.

---

I wish I could’ve shown the yellow motorbike (because it would’ve meant that I had one) but all I have are the converses. They’re new so when I wear them they’re so bright I feel like I have mini suns on my feet 😉
A lot of people think my favourite colour is red or yellow because I wear a lot of them but I wear them to stand out so that I can’t hide, I’m trying to be less shy. My favourite colour is actually orange but I guess you can understand that it was easier to find a red coat than an orange one. I still very much like yellow even if it’s not my favourite.