Dear diary,
Today was a little better, I got up in the morning and only took a 3 hour nap. I am spending more and more time awake.
I fear that my mood has not improved as much though, as I drift through life feeling as if I were merely watching the world go by with no true agency of my own. A secondary character, watching the plot unfold, or even an extra in a play where I have no lines and solely exist to give the appearance of movement in the distant background.
Some days this realisation brings me great despair as I struggle to find meaning and break through the monotone fog that strands me. On days like this I merely wander aimlessly, wondering how the world would change were I to disappear. Admittedly I do not think it would have much impact, yet it saddens me to think of the torment I might inflict on the few who care for me.
I remain listless, longing for a way to make my life my own. Days pass by like leaves in a storm, fate keeping me at a relentless standstill. If not for my daily medecine I would long since have disappeared into the night. I cling onto the hope that I may yet perhaps get a chance to make the world friendlier for those who would pass after me. That requires me to stay alive and alert. Ready to pounce on any opportunity like an anxious kitten.
I get jewels implanted into my skin just so that I may feel some relief from the constant pain inside me. Creating an ornament of mesurable sorrow as I stain my body with coloured inks, and string metal bars through my ears. It is my way of marking the time. Of remembering who I am, and where I wish to go. Similar to the way the bell chimes the hour, I mark my body with beautiful pain as my heart struggles to keep the tempo. I believe that one day I will finally be able to lead my own life, attaining the freedom I have long yearned for. It is the only truth that will keep me going.
If someone reads this and I did not make it, let it be known that I tried my best to keep my grip, and if I have let go it was not without regret. I would have wished to create a kinder place for those with my disposition. I have yet to see if this world will allow me to succeed.