Compliance

I’ve been trying to figure myself out. I used to be able to contain everything, compartmentalise and move on. Except I wasn’t really moving on, I was only trying to keep working, keep myself from failing at what I deemed most important for my future. But I never moved on.

The anger and the hatred, the shame and the pain, the frustration… it’s all spilling out now.

I’ve lost my control. My defence mechanisms have become little people that live in my head and I’m trying to count them. I have more good days now, but very few days when I’m able to be productive for the outside life I’m still trying to hold on to. I can barely make sense of what’s happening inside of me, between the cacophonies and the silences.

I’m haunted by the incessant ticking of the clock. Constantly trying to catch up on lost time. Never able to take the time to pause. If only I could just… breathe.

I’m overwhelmed when I’m not understimulated. I’m constantly being judged, doubted, called out, gaslit. Having to tune out the world while somehow still trying to live in it.

My future? What future?
Who even am I?
What do I want?
How can I live like this?

 

Ghost in real life

It’s been a year.
I keep getting dragged back though.
To that old house,
It’s like it’s haunted,
And I’m the ghost.

It’s cold
All the time,
The windows and doors
Are all open,
But I can’t leave

It’s a dusty old house
Darkened by the smoke
And the passage of time
I can almost
Feel it flinch
With the passing cars

I’m all alone this time,
It’s not what’s there
That haunts me,
It’s what isn’t

You left me there
And I needed you
To come back,
But you
Didn’t

And now
I’ve become a ghost
Forever
Waiting
For our lost time.

I’m scared
To make a sound
What if you knew?
Could you forgive yourself?
I
Just want to
Leave

I sit alone
And cry at night
On the tiled floor.
A wild cat passes right through me.
The Sun never reaches my skin.

Wherever I am
I am here
Lost
In a place I know
Too well