I feel dizzy and my eyes sting, I’m close to falling asleep. I don’t know what time it is, I’ve lost track of time and created a bubble outside of it. The light seeping through the blinds dims after a while and then lights up again slowly. I barely notice it. I’m looking at life through broken glass and I need to know how to fix it. Or at least I don’t want to make it any worse. I need to be alone because every fake smile breaks my heart a little more.
I have my ups and downs, right now I’m more down, almost more than I’ve ever been but I’m still somewhat calm. It’s a fragile calm. A weak, brittle calm that can shatter at the slightest breeze. But for the moment I’m keeping it together. My double bed has become my safe place and my room is a mess and I’m just sitting watching films or series or videos, anything to distract me while I’m awake.
Every time I stay awake a little longer, and every time I wait until the last moment before crashing into sleep. It’s not the sleep I’m afraid of, it’s the moments in between, those moments when it’s only you and the darkness, there’s no music to drown out the unwanted voices, no video to concentrate on, only you. That’s when they whisper…
You’re all aloneNobody caresAs if anyone would notice if you just diedThey don’t want to knowThey’re better off without youYou’re so indiscreteYou can’t keep a secretCan’t be relied onYou’re a terrible friendWhat did you ever do to deserve someoneYou’d be better off dead…
Ringing forever in my head. The voice of self-loathing and all that goes with it. I contradict it at every turn but it gets harder and harder and it finds proof of my uselessness and everything I do wrong crashes down on me and I feel a thousand eyes crushing me with judgement. I never asked for this.
So I look up films to watch and I nibble on my tomatoes and crisps and chocolate and whatever else is lying around. And I stay awake until I’m too tired to think. And I crash into sleep in daylight.
I know I can’t keep this up. I’m riding this moment out but there’s always this little voice saying what if it doesn’t stop?
My heart and mind are in pieces. I can’t think straight and I’m too tired to care. My eyes sting too much.
I’m going to clear my bed and sleep now.