Compliance

I’ve been trying to figure myself out. I used to be able to contain everything, compartmentalise and move on. Except I wasn’t really moving on, I was only trying to keep working, keep myself from failing at what I deemed most important for my future. But I never moved on.

The anger and the hatred, the shame and the pain, the frustration… it’s all spilling out now.

I’ve lost my control. My defence mechanisms have become little people that live in my head and I’m trying to count them. I have more good days now, but very few days when I’m able to be productive for the outside life I’m still trying to hold on to. I can barely make sense of what’s happening inside of me, between the cacophonies and the silences.

I’m haunted by the incessant ticking of the clock. Constantly trying to catch up on lost time. Never able to take the time to pause. If only I could just… breathe.

I’m overwhelmed when I’m not understimulated. I’m constantly being judged, doubted, called out, gaslit. Having to tune out the world while somehow still trying to live in it.

My future? What future?
Who even am I?
What do I want?
How can I live like this?