Light

Blood. It’s all I want to see. I want to shed blood, whether it’s my own or my tormentors’ doesn’t matter as long as something happens. I keep thinking I can’t live like this anymore, and somehow I still do and nothing ever changes. And every time I end up trembling in a corner, convincing myself not to draw blood.

I don’t know how long I can keep this up. The excuses seem more and more shallow. The good things further away. No matter how hard I try to reach them. There’s always something.

My body is shutting down and I still try to reach for the light. Past the abuse. Past the insults. Past the lack of belief anyone has in me. Past all of the judging and the hating and the hurtful misunderstandings. Past the loud noises in my head and the deep loneliness. Past the narcissists and the psychopaths and all those who would stand above me, consciously or not. Past those who judge my body. Past those who judge the state of my mind. Past those who would offer just enough love to keep me from ridding myself of the suffering they cause me. Past those who disappear on me yet still exist in my mind.

I wish the real world could be as beautiful as the places in my mind. I wish I could fall asleep under a sky of roses and wake up in a sea of clouds. I wish I could float and shape myself how I wished and I could touch the moon and see the stars untouched by the numbing burn we create in our skies. Maybe I’m reaching for the wrong light…

 

Ghost in real life

It’s been a year.
I keep getting dragged back though.
To that old house,
It’s like it’s haunted,
And I’m the ghost.

It’s cold
All the time,
The windows and doors
Are all open,
But I can’t leave

It’s a dusty old house
Darkened by the smoke
And the passage of time
I can almost
Feel it flinch
With the passing cars

I’m all alone this time,
It’s not what’s there
That haunts me,
It’s what isn’t

You left me there
And I needed you
To come back,
But you
Didn’t

And now
I’ve become a ghost
Forever
Waiting
For our lost time.

I’m scared
To make a sound
What if you knew?
Could you forgive yourself?
I
Just want to
Leave

I sit alone
And cry at night
On the tiled floor.
A wild cat passes right through me.
The Sun never reaches my skin.

Wherever I am
I am here
Lost
In a place I know
Too well

 

Alone

I’m fucking tired
It hurts…

“What hurts?”

Everything…

“Why?”

I don’t know
I wish I did
Maybe I could make it stop

“Maybe this is all your fault,
Maybe this is why they leave,
You’re too bothersome.
So you end up alone.”

Maybe
But I know I’m not alone
I need to keep fighting
My friends need my help
I can still be useful

“Why can’t your friends help you?”

They can
Sometimes
But right now they have problems of their own
So I have to deal with this on my own
It’s ok really

“‘Cause you know if you put yourself first they’ll leave.”