Stuck

It’s always when I most need to talk to people
When I most need human contact
That my words fail me

It’s like when my anxiety won’t let me go outside
I can get up and get ready and do anything I want
As long as I’m not doing it to go outside
And as soon as I start trying to leave my body stops responding
I can’t move
I can barely breathe
It’s like my whole being is screaming to not move
So all I can do is stay inside
Because as soon as I stop trying to leave my body relaxes
And I can take back control

Should I just accept that I can’t talk to anyone?
But I need to not be alone
I don’t know what to do
I don’t know how to talk about it
So I just run out of things to say

“They don’t want to talk to you anyway,
you’re just wasting their time.”

They don’t waste my time
There’s no way I’m the only compassionate idiot out there

“No of course you’re not special,
People care about others,
Their best friends,
Their family,
Their lovers.
They don’t care about you.
They barely think about you.”

Well I know that’s not true
I have at least two friends who are about as compassionate as me

“But they already have other problems to worry about.
They can’t worry about you,
You won’t even tell them what’s wrong.”

How can I?
like you said they already have their own problems
I don’t want to add to that

“So you admit it then,
How little you matter.”

I’ve rarely not admitted it
And even when I didn’t
It was only because my self-esteem was getting dangerously low
But if I don’t matter
Then neither do you

“Yet you still listen to me,
Because even I matter more than you do.”

No
That’s not true
I can ignore you
Sometimes I barely hear you
You’re just a poison in my mind
I don’t have to listen to you

“But can you prove me wrong?”

I…
Yes
Yes I can
I’m not alone
I’ll show you

“We’ll see how it goes…
Maybe next time you won’t be so sure.”

 

Alone

I’m fucking tired
It hurts…

“What hurts?”

Everything…

“Why?”

I don’t know
I wish I did
Maybe I could make it stop

“Maybe this is all your fault,
Maybe this is why they leave,
You’re too bothersome.
So you end up alone.”

Maybe
But I know I’m not alone
I need to keep fighting
My friends need my help
I can still be useful

“Why can’t your friends help you?”

They can
Sometimes
But right now they have problems of their own
So I have to deal with this on my own
It’s ok really

“‘Cause you know if you put yourself first they’ll leave.”